so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
