Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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