My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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