A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
