Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
