youre lurking in front of me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
