Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
