you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
