new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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