Did I show you my penis last night?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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