If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my shit smells like andre
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
