I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
