sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
