I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
