Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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