my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
