i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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