I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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