If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
