oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
