How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
