You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
