who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
