I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
