You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
