Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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