So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
