The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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