can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
