Tell her she can't have a vagina
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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