Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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