i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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