4 words: hood of his car
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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