i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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