After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
