I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
