Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
