I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We got so high we made milksteak
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
