The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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