yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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