Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
