you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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