I will die if light touches me.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
