I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
