I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
