last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
