Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
