I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
