ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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