dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
