I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
