Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
