$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
