My cat gives me a boner
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
