There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
