turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
